I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
LOL!
A family that plays together cheats.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes