I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?