‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
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Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Mornin
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.