My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
You Might Also Like
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Breaking news:
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.