I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.