*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit