Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !