I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
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bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.