You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF