Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
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Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
i would wish you the best but i am the best