Not now. I’m deglazing.
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I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist