A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
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The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology