Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Seems legit
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say