paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
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I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be