My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
every. time.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
How I like cutting carbs
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: