girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs