Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
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She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup