He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
You Might Also Like
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.