why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Plant care tips
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.