Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?