I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
next question.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important