Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then