Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS