Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend