Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Time heals everything 🙂
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.