Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
*jingles half the way*
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Confused owl: What?!