As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
christening a ship with an overripe banana
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it