Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
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The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters