Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
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To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
broke down and did it
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.