Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids