How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
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If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Perfect
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
sir, my pâté if you please
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?