HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
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Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
sigh
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”