The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
one of
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]