I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
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Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!