(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
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PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.