Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
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Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.