Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.