Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.