Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
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My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me