GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
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My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
HELP 😭
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.