She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
This was a bad idea all around
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?