Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
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Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*