Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.