Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
You Might Also Like
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!