MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
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Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming