The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.