cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
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there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
anyone else like Italian cereal
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?