I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
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What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*