Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?