8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
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stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.